One thing I didn't want my blog to be is me complaining and cry at how hard life is and woe is me but today is one of those days I feel like I need to talk and I don't know who to talk to. So I figured I'd talk to all those who God has placed in my life. Those who love me and I can count on to pray for me.
Why does it seem that we have to hit rock bottom before things seem to get better. The last couple months have been probably the hardest in along time. They've held so much hurt, pain and at times anger and lots and lots of tears. I've struggled so hard with why none of its healing, why none of its going away. Why does it all still hurt so badly. At times I've truly felt so alone that God Himself fseemed so far away. I've prayed and prayed for it all to go away; that I could finally be the person who wasn't so down and up tight and stressed out. I mentioned on Sunday that I was an emotional mess and that's because I just lost it. Every single emotion I had held bottled up erupted. I hit my rock bottom I guess you could say. I have wonderful friends who have been there when I've just need a shoulder to cry on, to vent to, to listen whatever it maybe but it was today talking to a friend who I haven't talked to in a long time told me with wonderful ABM love *smiles* that you can't expect God to heal if you don't allow Him to. I sat there staring at the computer screen and just thought- OUCH!! but it only hurt because it was true. I would pray Lord heal the hurt take away the pain la de da but yet didn't let it go, didn't move on and let Him answer the prayers I had been crying out for. I let myself for to long neglect my friends, my family and even my own personal relationship with God. To me that is failing and I've mentioned that failing is my one great fear. I don't handle it well. I get down on myself when I mess up. After my conversation with this friend I felt like I needed to apologize to a lot of my friends but then it clicked I did't need them to forgive me- we all mess up and they would understand. I had to forgive myself and that seemed suddenly so much harder then asking forgiveness from someone else. So this is me - having felt like I had hit rock bottom and now this is me getting up and finally allowing God to heal it all. I have many times taken a few steps forward and taken many more back but I can't do that anymore or I am going to continue to be miserable and stressed. I think my friends are being kind and patient with me but I'm sure I can be a pain with the emotional roller coaster. If you could pray for me I could use it.
Listen to the words to this song I love it and its so very true
When you're lost and all alone
I will be your sure way home
When your left out in the cold I will be your shelter from the storm
When you're clouded by your doubts
You're surrounded and there's no other way out
I will be all that you need
And I'm here for the asking
Let me be your everything
Let me be your everything
Look at all that I will bring
In exchange for what you have
Bring your sorrow bring your shame
All your suffering and your pain
Don't you know the price is paid
If only you'll let me be
Let me be your everything
When you're wandering in the darkness
I will be the light that guides you
And when death is standing at your door way
I will be the life inside you
When you face your deepest fears
When you can't see thru all the tears
I will stay throughout the years
So patiently waiting
Hear me saying
Neither height or depth, nor life or death
The angels above or the demons beneath the sea
Could ever separate you from
The love in me, so won't you let me be
Why does it seem that we have to hit rock bottom before things seem to get better. The last couple months have been probably the hardest in along time. They've held so much hurt, pain and at times anger and lots and lots of tears. I've struggled so hard with why none of its healing, why none of its going away. Why does it all still hurt so badly. At times I've truly felt so alone that God Himself fseemed so far away. I've prayed and prayed for it all to go away; that I could finally be the person who wasn't so down and up tight and stressed out. I mentioned on Sunday that I was an emotional mess and that's because I just lost it. Every single emotion I had held bottled up erupted. I hit my rock bottom I guess you could say. I have wonderful friends who have been there when I've just need a shoulder to cry on, to vent to, to listen whatever it maybe but it was today talking to a friend who I haven't talked to in a long time told me with wonderful ABM love *smiles* that you can't expect God to heal if you don't allow Him to. I sat there staring at the computer screen and just thought- OUCH!! but it only hurt because it was true. I would pray Lord heal the hurt take away the pain la de da but yet didn't let it go, didn't move on and let Him answer the prayers I had been crying out for. I let myself for to long neglect my friends, my family and even my own personal relationship with God. To me that is failing and I've mentioned that failing is my one great fear. I don't handle it well. I get down on myself when I mess up. After my conversation with this friend I felt like I needed to apologize to a lot of my friends but then it clicked I did't need them to forgive me- we all mess up and they would understand. I had to forgive myself and that seemed suddenly so much harder then asking forgiveness from someone else. So this is me - having felt like I had hit rock bottom and now this is me getting up and finally allowing God to heal it all. I have many times taken a few steps forward and taken many more back but I can't do that anymore or I am going to continue to be miserable and stressed. I think my friends are being kind and patient with me but I'm sure I can be a pain with the emotional roller coaster. If you could pray for me I could use it.
Listen to the words to this song I love it and its so very true
When you're lost and all alone
I will be your sure way home
When your left out in the cold I will be your shelter from the storm
When you're clouded by your doubts
You're surrounded and there's no other way out
I will be all that you need
And I'm here for the asking
Let me be your everything
Let me be your everything
Look at all that I will bring
In exchange for what you have
Bring your sorrow bring your shame
All your suffering and your pain
Don't you know the price is paid
If only you'll let me be
Let me be your everything
When you're wandering in the darkness
I will be the light that guides you
And when death is standing at your door way
I will be the life inside you
When you face your deepest fears
When you can't see thru all the tears
I will stay throughout the years
So patiently waiting
Hear me saying
Neither height or depth, nor life or death
The angels above or the demons beneath the sea
Could ever separate you from
The love in me, so won't you let me be
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3 comments:
Jen, remember this, failure isn't in making the mistake...it is in just laying there beating yourself up. When you blow it, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, seek God's forgiveness and keep walking. That is NOT failure. Failure is falling down and not getting back up. When you change the way you perceive failure, then it is easier to forgive yourself in those times. It is a hard lesson to learn and a behavior that can be difficult to change, but it CAN be done...been there...done that! Love you...hang in there!!!
Thanks Sis Momma Tammi- I'm not one to not heed wise counsel.
I have alot of things that I need to change my pruspective on and its taking me awhile to realize this and its going to take alot of time spent in pray to change alot of it.
Thanks Erica- If you could remember me in your prayers I could use it.
Your welcome Jen and it is just plain ole' Momma Tammi, 'kay. I'm glad that you do accept wise counsel and it will take some time to change your perceptions, but once you do...what a peace it will bring. Hang in there and keep praying...you will get there.
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