Its been one of those days where you sit back in your chair and let out a sigh. You watch each second go by at a snail pace. You run your hands through your hair frustrated with yourself because no matter how hard you try you can't seem to get your mind on what you need to do. Instead it (your ever active brain) desires are different from your own...it wants to dwell on things you don't want to think about. You force yourself to bring a smile to your face and your voice every time the phone rings or someone walks in- attitude is everything when you are working with people. But none of it is 100% genuine. You want to be happy thats your desire but you just can't seem to truly be that. Oh you enjoy lunch with a friend and maybe for those few minutes your smile actually reaches your eyes and the laughter comes from your heart but when left alone again with your thoughts they steel it away.
What is it thats has me in such a melancholy mood. Oh so many things but the root is all the same. The Devil doing what he can to attack my faith, my perspective, my joy, my peace... I feel like I've been in a battle all day fighting to keep hold of it. The tears well up in my eyes wanting to spring loose but I don't have the freedom to feel the way I do. You see I'm not allowed to be hurt, I'm not allowed to be offended. Everyone else can be but not me- oh no! how dare she. I'm just suppose to brush it off and not feel anything. I'm suppose to just get over it. With God's strength I can accomplish that- I can!- I can brush it off and move on and be the bigger person. But how many times am I expected to do this? Part of me wants to build up a wall because I don't have the strength to with stand this kind of attack from people... what hurts the most is the people who have cut me the deepest are fellow church members. I expect to get hurt by the world and I have been but its a different cut and a deeper one, that sadly is never allowed to heal. Not because I don't wish it to but because it keeps getting dug into. When will it end- ah I know the answer to that- When I get to go home! but why must I have to wait for then for people to put the knife down?
I've typed this up and sat here for the last 20 minutes wanting to delete it, crying my eyes out because sadly do to recent things people are going to assume its about that but no thats pettiness compared to the bigger picture to whats really matters... and Im sure that just this post alone will add fuel to someones fire... I'm hurt my heart is crying out for it all to stop.
Lord pick up these pieces- pick up my spirit and get me through this yet again... restore my joy that I can be of service to You and receive Your Blessings. Let what you've laid on my heart to get past my thoughts and be a blessing to others.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
My Heart Cry
Posted by The Middle J at 5:11 PM
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3 comments:
"Blessed are they which are
persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you" (Matt. 5:10-12). "We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed" (2 Cor. 4:8,9). "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Rom. 8:35-39). "Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution. But evil men and seducers shall wax worse and worse, deceiving, and being deceived. But continue thou in the things which thou hast learned and hast been assured of, knowing of whom thou hast learned them; And that from a child thou hast known the holy scriptures, which are able to make thee wise unto salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good works" (2 Tim. 3:12-17).
Sister Jenna, just know you aren't the ONLY one who has ever felt the way you're feeling. But we ARE MORE THAN CONQUERORS through HIM that loved us. AMEN! Hang in there. God has a record of each and every deed. Try to take your mind off of your hurts and what others may have done to hurt you and focus instead on YOUR reaction to it. You are responsible to God for how you react and the feelings you harbor in your heart when trials and hard times come. Concentrate on what God is trying to do in you by allowing these things to cross your path. He has a reason for EVERYthing. Let Him use these events to mold you into the vessel He can use. --I'm praying for you.
Thank You Sis. Smith for the scriptures. Its odd how verses you've read for so long and even have memorized seem to vanish from your memory when you need them.
I pray that this post didn't come across bitter, or angry... I was neither when writing and I am neither now. I was just overwhelmed and I know I'm not alone in feeling the way I do which is probably why I posted.
I know that God has a purpose for this- if anything as you said but to continue molding me.
Jenna,
It did not come across as bitter or angry, simply hurt. Know that you are loved and cared for by Kelley and I.
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